Doubt

I hope,

I'm right.

I still question myself.

I'm confused.

I wish I knew,

Whether this is the right path.

Or a death trap.

I wish I could be as sure as you.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry.

I lied.

I wasn't fine.

I was bitter,

And resentful,

And angry,

And hateful,

And hurt,

And humiliated,

And frustrated.

I needed to talk,

but my lips were sealed shut.

I needed someone to listen,

but my conscience told me to shut up.

Then I yelled,

And I cried.

I screamed,

And I shouted.

I cursed,

And swore.

All the pain,

Came tumbling out as words.

All the hurt,

poured out as a myriad of furious screams.

All the frustrations,

as angry sobs.

Then I listened,

and prayed,

and the loud sobs quieten down to a whimper.

I breathed,

and listen.

All was quiet.

And good.

I was fine,

for real.

I hope.

Simple no more

These days, I realize that blogging does not come so easily to me anymore. I can no longer sit down and just blog about my everyday life. My posts are no longer simple, easily understood and deciphered. My old posts now seem much more superficial than what I have to say now, the posts being a mere blurry reflection of my past self.

Nowadays, the urge to blog only seems to come when I have something deeper to share, and, my posts mainly deal with feelings -complicated ones in fact- causing my writings to be multi-layered, carrying more meaning than it seems at the first glance. My writings conceal more than I let on, more than I can ever bring myself to speak out. My posts can sometimes be a cry of help, a place to rant, a place to reflect on the past.

And I too am not as simple and easily figured out as I used to be. In the past, my feelings could easily be described using simple words - sad, happy, angry, worried, afraid. Now, ' It's indescribable', 'It's complicated' and ' I don't want to talk about it' are more likely answers to 'how are you feeling' questions. Its no more as simple as saying 'I'm afraid because I've just sat through a very horrible horror movie'. Now, it seems like a whirlwind of emotions can suddenly surround me and sweep me away at any moment. I can be cheerful and spirited, then nervous and worried and lousy and hurt at the same moment. Sometimes, I don't even get myself.

I tend to be more observant, ponder and contemplate situations more thoroughly and be more sensitive to other's actions. I tend to dwell on stuff more, mull over the past and the present, envisage the future. My goals and priorities too have changed, and I'm more certain of what I want.

And I'm grateful. I'm thankful for the people I've met, the changes I had to undergo, the hurdles that I have and yet to have overcome. I'm thankful for all that's happen to me, even though sometimes its hard to fully comprehend certain situations. And I'm thankful that I survived.

Note: I am still terrified of horror movies. End result is an inability to sleep after. Movies/books with thriller/tinge of horror elements sends my brain into overdrive, which causes me to dream of weird random stuff, like my teddy killing me, being watched, conspiring *cough* and funny-looking animals. Hence, the disturbed patterns of sleep due to the recent stuffing of books such as Pretty Little Liars into my poor brain. Oh, the horrors of a scandalous psycho series.

Double note: I seem to be constantly attacked by mosquitoes lately. Which is weird. Cos' I'm a far cry from the typical moany,dopey, pale mosquito-loving Bella.

Oh, and Hello there. I'm melting to the most mushy romantic song ever.

The thinker's thoughts

I've never really been a talker.

I'm more of a thinker, a listener.

I've never felt free or comfortable to talk about how I feel.

You can ask me whether I'm fine and I'll still be able to forcefully smile back at you and say I'm doing great.

That's me.

But sometimes its so hard to contain all your thoughts.

All messed up, scrambled and disordered.

I've blogged about how much progress I've had since I entered INTEC.

How much I've grown and matured and become independent.

But there is another side of it.

I've yet to say how leaving home has messed me up completely.

Utterly.

And sometimes I will just like to throw all the blame on this place.

On leaving.

But the fact that its just me.

I've never been the confident one.

I've never trusted in myself.

I criticize myself constantly.

And entering INTEC,

where I'm out of my comfort zone.

in an whole new environment.

without my friends and family.

out of the place where I'd actually know where I stand, where I fit in.

Where I had to strive to prove my worth.

I overdid it.

I lost the already delicate balance I had in life.

I became obsessed with certain things, thoughts and actions.

I developed unhealthy relationships with things in life.

I went to both extremes.

I lost control.

And sometimes the feeling was so overwhelming.

I'd just break down and cry for no apparent reason.

I harmed myself unknowingly.

I've weakened myself so much my mind became vulnerable to the darkness.

Which I gave in to at times.

And It'll engulf me.

Till certain points when I just feel like giving in.

When my whole self feels like shutting down.

To block out the pain and grief.

To just be an empty emotionless, soulless shell of a human being.

That thought seemed rather inviting.

Sometimes I'd wish someone really understood the thoughts running through my head.

Sometimes I wish I myself understood myself completely.

Every time I try to talk about it.

It'll just end up in a jumble of meaningless words.

Disguised in codes.

that I'll rather just ignore.

For now I just have to disconnect myself from the world.

And find peace within myself.

Pieces of me

You are the one that sets the rules for me,

The standards. the goals, the requirements,

You're the one that sets the highest expectations for me,

You're the one that makes me strives for perfection,

You're the one that compares me to others,

You're the one that feeds on my insecurities and lack of confidence,

And measures my self-worth based on how much I'm able to accomplish,

You're the one that clouds my thoughts, judgements and perceptions about myself,

You're the one that overwhelms me with feelings of remorse and guilt for even the tiniest slip-up,

You're the one that enjoys denying me any sort of pleasure,

And for every once of pleasure,

You punish me ten times worser,

You suck the life out of me,

You ensure everything goes according to a rigid plan,

You do not welcome changes of any sort,

You're the stronger side of me,

And also the darker side of me,

You push me to my limits,

even way past my breaking point,

You make me achieve what I have achieved,

yet you tear me apart in the process.

I have to learn to let go of you,

even though you are the one that holds most of me together by your rigid set of rules,

But those rules do not allow me to live the life I want,

At least if I let you go,

I might finally get to live.

But then again, its hard to break away from a part of yourself,

A stronger part of yourself.

IT

Do you wanna know how IT feels like?

Its when you watch everyone happily living their lives

While you get drag into darkness

And no, there's no light at the end of the tunnel

Or a sliver of hope

Or anyone to help you

Its just darkness

Black, scary and hopeless

Blinding you

Enveloping you

Just you and you alone

That's how IT feels like.

Who am I?

I can be the happy one, smiling at everyone and everything,

I can also be the one that's hurting terribly inside with no one to turn to.

I can be the one that seems carefree and without issues,

I also can be the one that's dealing with inner turmoil of all sorts.

I can be the one that doesn't give a damn about what I do,

I can also be the one that controls, restricts and punish myself for minor slip ups.

I can be the one that can take everything thrown at me,

I can also be the one that when prodded a bit more, lash out like a thousand demons.

I can be the quiet one that has few words to mutter,

I can also be the one whose screams and curses can be heard thousands of miles away.

I can be the one who treasures the sanctity of life,

I can also be the one who thinks how easily it is to severe the fragile thread that keeps someone alive.

I can be the determined one, that strives hard to achieve,

I also can be the one that gives up easily.

I can be the one that is so simple and easy to decipher,

I can also be the one with a myriad of different personalities.

I can be someone that you might be familiar with,

I can also be a stranger to you.

Who am I really?

Smile, some?

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Listening to this song makes me wonder when was the last time I was truly, really happy.

I want my smile back....

I want myself back....

Perfection?

Perfection...

The strive, the drive, the need to be perfect..

The voices in your head..

Your thoughts being controlled by an invisible force..

The willingness to inflict harm on yourself...

Just for that perfection.

It hurts.

It feeds on the pain.

It grows and becomes an obsession.

Eventually you'll lose yourself.

Going crazy

Blogging just because I feel too frustrated.

The weather here has been scorching hot.

My mood hasn't been any better.

I feel like I'm walking around in a comatose state.

I'm anxious about my trials which is starting 3 days from now.

I'm trying to make myself study.

Am trying to concentrate.

But my eyelids feel heavy.

My brain keeps wandering.

I just wanna get this over with.

Messed up

I know I'm supposed to feel elated, excited, enthusiastic, overjoyed.. you name it.. but I'm just feeling the opposite. INTEC closing for a week due to the H1N1 virus is.... nothing but a shock to me. Going home is supposed to be a good thing. Having holidays come early is supposed to be like a dream come true. But the only thing I feel is messed up. My mind is a jumble of tangles and knots. I can't think well I can't function normally. The only thing on my mind is the cancellation of Mid-sem break. I had everything planned out so well. Planning how I was going to breeze pass this remaining month. Meeting my sister back home. Going for family outings. Meeting friends. The perfect august holidays. Now, its just like *poof* and everything is gone with a snap of your fingers. And have I mentioned about the price of the tickets..I don't know what to pack. I'm afraid, worried and feeling like I'm gonna cry again. This is so not what I should feel. Just when I thought I had my momentum going, finally having the willpower to survive this remaining few weeks, everything is just halted abruptly. I hope I'll survive. I do hope so.. I've just gotta untangle this mess in my head. Praying real hard. Telling myself everything happens for a reason. Trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel. Biting my tongue to stop cursing again. Praying real hard. I'll survive INTEC.... some how...

Growing up

The emotional tortures, why doesn't it ever go away?

As time passes, isn't one suppose to get use to everything?

Why is the frustration and tears still there?

Why does the tears flow for no reason?

Why does the urge to scream doesn't ever go away?

Why does the ability to laugh naturally seems far-fetched?

Why does memories cause you to lose control?

Why does staring into space become a daily routine?

Why does the feeling to curl up into a ball and shut yourself away from the world seems welcoming?

Why do you feel like you're losing your mind?

Why do you feel hopeless?

Why can't the tears stop?

Why can't anyone stop the pain?

Why can't everything be as it was?

Why can't anything seem to be able to cheer you up?

Why does growing up hurt so much?

Why do we have to grow up?

Emo-ing

Can I don't go back???

starting to have nightmares again..... T.T

Time passes too fast when you're having fun

It starts with a burgeoning, visceral dread.

An unexplainable down-ness

Where you wish real hard that it's all a really bad dream

Where you can pinch yourself and awake to a bright sunny morning 

In a place where you always want to be

Where you won't have to drag your feet across the shiny airport floors

Lugging a bag along with a heart that seems heavier than the luggage itself

Climbing up the dull metal stairs off the airplane

Only wishing you could turn back and run far away from that metallic giant bird

Which you know will carry you off to a place you won't ever wanna be

Where you'll be greeted by the o-so familiar sight of downness, misery and all unhappy things

Where you'll sink into an alternate unknown personality

foreign even to yourself

And mentally shut yourself to the surrounding world

trying to lock in as many memories of your hometown

grasping on to them like a lifeline

just to keep on going 

The small sparkle of hope- being able to go home once again

Its all that you're focus on

Your agenda, your motto

Nothing matters more

Than to be able to leave that place

and arrive home

to everything that is familiar

I Loath going back.....

I'm Leaving =(

Its 2.28p.m. Few more hours to my 9.05p.m. flight and I'm getting butterflies in my stomach, cold feet and am in a state of frenzy. =( My packing is ALMOST done. I hope. =( Can't believe that in a few hours I'll be in a new environment, somewhere far from home. T___T Had a swell time last night with my 5s2 friends.  Watched Wanted which was really really nice. Waaaaa am gonna miss  you guys sooooo much. =( You all know how much I love you guys right? =) Arhh, well better look through my stuff again, check through one LAST time. =(  Will try my best to update my blog while I'm stuck over there. =( i miss i miss i miss. =(  Pray that I'll get a good room and housemates tomorrow. I miss _______________ (fill in your name here =D, yes I do miss you) You all back in Kuching, take care yea.

Pleaseeeee tell me I didn't miss out anything =( 

Just updating

Fany leaving for Labuan tomorrow.
Lesley leaving for TARC tomorrow.
Cheng going to TARC too.

Feels like everyone is leaving.
If you could see me, I'll give you an emo face and drone on about how I'm gonna miss them like hell.
*sniff* And I don't even think I'll have a chance to send them off. Heck, didn't even get a chance to send Li off.
For now, I'll end this post here.

Decisions

As darkness unleashed it's wrath, she stood there, a lone figure, shivering as the merciless wind swept around her, attempting to rob her of all possible warmness. Pensievely, she stared at the never ending meander before her. Torn she was, torn between a life full of bliss and her responsibility. Half of her wanted to turn back, to embrace all that was dear to her, but the other half of her knew, she had to move forward lest she'll regret her actions in the years to come. Albeit tormented by her dilemma, her eyes divulged only a subtle hint of distress, her impassive appearance masking her veracious emotions. Taking a deep breath, she stepped forward, letting the darkness envelop her. She stood there a moment, savouring the faint sounds of familiar, cheerful jabber, knowing that her journey will take her far from all familiarity. Using what will-power she had left, she refrained herself from glancing back. Valediction, she knew will not make what she was about to do any easier.

Nana kidnapped by National Service

Na's gone for National service.
Today.
For 3 whole months.
Stuck in some far away, isolated, crappy, dingy, lousy, &@^#&^*&#%%@#^&@%^# place
Aww...oh well...

Yea, I'll keep pretending...
Remember to take good care of yourself galfriend! Mwah!

Unfreaky post

Regarding my previous post, I'm pleased to announce that the chocoholic's freaking outburst has passed. This outburst was easily suppressed by a heavy dose of dark chocolates. The chocoholic is now sedated. Time now for a little chic lit, tv and bed. =D

P/s Fingers are crossed. All the best to all 2007 SPM candidates!

Freaky post

Ok.so what if tomorrow is result day. I mean why will I freaking care right? Its not like I'm gonna freaking freaked out right? And its not like all those freaking questions 'bout tomorrow will even freak me out? I'm really freaking calm. Seriously freakingly calm. What the freaking choc. And being constantly freaking bombarded with the freakingly "What freaking time are you going to the freaking school to get your freaking results"( note that actual questions do not contain the word "Freaking") question is seriously not gonna make me freakingly lose my cool. Right??! I mean I can freaking handle much more than that. I can freakingly ignore every single freaking question regarding freaking tomorrow and go indulge myself with some freaking chic lit and freakingly bitter chocolates. Anyway, as I freaking said before I will freaking disappear off the face of the earth using some freaking way ( hint: invisibility cloak or freaking cool sunglasses..which is freaking better ah?) due to some freaking reasons so everyone cannot freaking find me so that I can freaking freak out in some unknown freaking place. Ok, i take the last part back, I'm seriously not freaking freak out ok?

Right,as if I freaking convinced you.
I need a freakingly enormous amount of freaking dark chocolates.
P/s Pardon my freaking language.