The thinker's thoughts

I've never really been a talker.

I'm more of a thinker, a listener.

I've never felt free or comfortable to talk about how I feel.

You can ask me whether I'm fine and I'll still be able to forcefully smile back at you and say I'm doing great.

That's me.

But sometimes its so hard to contain all your thoughts.

All messed up, scrambled and disordered.

I've blogged about how much progress I've had since I entered INTEC.

How much I've grown and matured and become independent.

But there is another side of it.

I've yet to say how leaving home has messed me up completely.

Utterly.

And sometimes I will just like to throw all the blame on this place.

On leaving.

But the fact that its just me.

I've never been the confident one.

I've never trusted in myself.

I criticize myself constantly.

And entering INTEC,

where I'm out of my comfort zone.

in an whole new environment.

without my friends and family.

out of the place where I'd actually know where I stand, where I fit in.

Where I had to strive to prove my worth.

I overdid it.

I lost the already delicate balance I had in life.

I became obsessed with certain things, thoughts and actions.

I developed unhealthy relationships with things in life.

I went to both extremes.

I lost control.

And sometimes the feeling was so overwhelming.

I'd just break down and cry for no apparent reason.

I harmed myself unknowingly.

I've weakened myself so much my mind became vulnerable to the darkness.

Which I gave in to at times.

And It'll engulf me.

Till certain points when I just feel like giving in.

When my whole self feels like shutting down.

To block out the pain and grief.

To just be an empty emotionless, soulless shell of a human being.

That thought seemed rather inviting.

Sometimes I'd wish someone really understood the thoughts running through my head.

Sometimes I wish I myself understood myself completely.

Every time I try to talk about it.

It'll just end up in a jumble of meaningless words.

Disguised in codes.

that I'll rather just ignore.

For now I just have to disconnect myself from the world.

And find peace within myself.