Colours

Just because the world can seem so much more colourful.

Simple no more

These days, I realize that blogging does not come so easily to me anymore. I can no longer sit down and just blog about my everyday life. My posts are no longer simple, easily understood and deciphered. My old posts now seem much more superficial than what I have to say now, the posts being a mere blurry reflection of my past self.

Nowadays, the urge to blog only seems to come when I have something deeper to share, and, my posts mainly deal with feelings -complicated ones in fact- causing my writings to be multi-layered, carrying more meaning than it seems at the first glance. My writings conceal more than I let on, more than I can ever bring myself to speak out. My posts can sometimes be a cry of help, a place to rant, a place to reflect on the past.

And I too am not as simple and easily figured out as I used to be. In the past, my feelings could easily be described using simple words - sad, happy, angry, worried, afraid. Now, ' It's indescribable', 'It's complicated' and ' I don't want to talk about it' are more likely answers to 'how are you feeling' questions. Its no more as simple as saying 'I'm afraid because I've just sat through a very horrible horror movie'. Now, it seems like a whirlwind of emotions can suddenly surround me and sweep me away at any moment. I can be cheerful and spirited, then nervous and worried and lousy and hurt at the same moment. Sometimes, I don't even get myself.

I tend to be more observant, ponder and contemplate situations more thoroughly and be more sensitive to other's actions. I tend to dwell on stuff more, mull over the past and the present, envisage the future. My goals and priorities too have changed, and I'm more certain of what I want.

And I'm grateful. I'm thankful for the people I've met, the changes I had to undergo, the hurdles that I have and yet to have overcome. I'm thankful for all that's happen to me, even though sometimes its hard to fully comprehend certain situations. And I'm thankful that I survived.

Note: I am still terrified of horror movies. End result is an inability to sleep after. Movies/books with thriller/tinge of horror elements sends my brain into overdrive, which causes me to dream of weird random stuff, like my teddy killing me, being watched, conspiring *cough* and funny-looking animals. Hence, the disturbed patterns of sleep due to the recent stuffing of books such as Pretty Little Liars into my poor brain. Oh, the horrors of a scandalous psycho series.

Double note: I seem to be constantly attacked by mosquitoes lately. Which is weird. Cos' I'm a far cry from the typical moany,dopey, pale mosquito-loving Bella.

Oh, and Hello there. I'm melting to the most mushy romantic song ever.

New layout

Ah, time for a change. =D

Lets celebrate with chocolates.

Nom. :D

Imperfect Perfection

Sometimes, I find myself lost in my thoughts, trapped in a endless meander of feelings and emotions. Then suddenly,a feeling of deja vu sweeps over me, my surroundings, the places, the people, the incessant chatter become much clearer to me, and I realized that I'm tangled up in my own memories.

As I retrace the paths taken, walking in my own footsteps, I watch as I slowly stomped my way up life's hill, occasionally straying away from the paths, and sometimes creating my own route other than the norm.

And I watched as I took a deep plunge into the deep,dark end. I stood by as I watched a projection of myself stumble around, a dark, black veil, clouding my vision. I watched silently as I tripped on rocks and fall into caverns and seemingly bottomless pits. I resisted the urge to try to yank away the veil that blocked my vision, clouded my judgement, prevented me from noticing the sturdy ladder that led out of the pit. I observed my feeble attempts to ask for help. The words vanishing from the tip of my tongue before it could be spoken. I watched helplessly as I saw myself pull away from others, sinking deeper into the cloud of darkness that enveloped me. I tried to call out to myself, to help me escape from the seemingly never-ending pain, but no sound escaped my lips and my arms hung limply, useless by my side.

And I watched as I slowly groped my way around, creating footholds in the walls, and finally emerging, bruised, battered and broken, but also more experienced, confident, matured and understanding. That's when I realized, I HAD to fall into the deep end, to discover my purpose in life, to meet you, you and you, to realize how much others care, to grow, to mature, and to experience. And even though the wounds are deep, and the scars might be forever, its this little imperfections that make me a complete human being. And maybe in the future, when I meet you, lost in an abyss of despair, I can say with assurance that I've been there, I understand you and you'll be fine. And I will listen to you, and help you speak the words that you could not speak and give you the guidance that you need.

And I'll tell you that life is definitely not a bed of roses, you'll trip over pebbles, rocks and the occasional rabbit, stumble into gutters and drains, before dragging your weary, bruised feet over to the bed of roses, plumping down onto it and leaping up seconds later, scratched by them roses. That's life.

The thinker's thoughts

I've never really been a talker.

I'm more of a thinker, a listener.

I've never felt free or comfortable to talk about how I feel.

You can ask me whether I'm fine and I'll still be able to forcefully smile back at you and say I'm doing great.

That's me.

But sometimes its so hard to contain all your thoughts.

All messed up, scrambled and disordered.

I've blogged about how much progress I've had since I entered INTEC.

How much I've grown and matured and become independent.

But there is another side of it.

I've yet to say how leaving home has messed me up completely.

Utterly.

And sometimes I will just like to throw all the blame on this place.

On leaving.

But the fact that its just me.

I've never been the confident one.

I've never trusted in myself.

I criticize myself constantly.

And entering INTEC,

where I'm out of my comfort zone.

in an whole new environment.

without my friends and family.

out of the place where I'd actually know where I stand, where I fit in.

Where I had to strive to prove my worth.

I overdid it.

I lost the already delicate balance I had in life.

I became obsessed with certain things, thoughts and actions.

I developed unhealthy relationships with things in life.

I went to both extremes.

I lost control.

And sometimes the feeling was so overwhelming.

I'd just break down and cry for no apparent reason.

I harmed myself unknowingly.

I've weakened myself so much my mind became vulnerable to the darkness.

Which I gave in to at times.

And It'll engulf me.

Till certain points when I just feel like giving in.

When my whole self feels like shutting down.

To block out the pain and grief.

To just be an empty emotionless, soulless shell of a human being.

That thought seemed rather inviting.

Sometimes I'd wish someone really understood the thoughts running through my head.

Sometimes I wish I myself understood myself completely.

Every time I try to talk about it.

It'll just end up in a jumble of meaningless words.

Disguised in codes.

that I'll rather just ignore.

For now I just have to disconnect myself from the world.

And find peace within myself.

Pieces of me

You are the one that sets the rules for me,

The standards. the goals, the requirements,

You're the one that sets the highest expectations for me,

You're the one that makes me strives for perfection,

You're the one that compares me to others,

You're the one that feeds on my insecurities and lack of confidence,

And measures my self-worth based on how much I'm able to accomplish,

You're the one that clouds my thoughts, judgements and perceptions about myself,

You're the one that overwhelms me with feelings of remorse and guilt for even the tiniest slip-up,

You're the one that enjoys denying me any sort of pleasure,

And for every once of pleasure,

You punish me ten times worser,

You suck the life out of me,

You ensure everything goes according to a rigid plan,

You do not welcome changes of any sort,

You're the stronger side of me,

And also the darker side of me,

You push me to my limits,

even way past my breaking point,

You make me achieve what I have achieved,

yet you tear me apart in the process.

I have to learn to let go of you,

even though you are the one that holds most of me together by your rigid set of rules,

But those rules do not allow me to live the life I want,

At least if I let you go,

I might finally get to live.

But then again, its hard to break away from a part of yourself,

A stronger part of yourself.

IT

Do you wanna know how IT feels like?

Its when you watch everyone happily living their lives

While you get drag into darkness

And no, there's no light at the end of the tunnel

Or a sliver of hope

Or anyone to help you

Its just darkness

Black, scary and hopeless

Blinding you

Enveloping you

Just you and you alone

That's how IT feels like.

Who am I?

I can be the happy one, smiling at everyone and everything,

I can also be the one that's hurting terribly inside with no one to turn to.

I can be the one that seems carefree and without issues,

I also can be the one that's dealing with inner turmoil of all sorts.

I can be the one that doesn't give a damn about what I do,

I can also be the one that controls, restricts and punish myself for minor slip ups.

I can be the one that can take everything thrown at me,

I can also be the one that when prodded a bit more, lash out like a thousand demons.

I can be the quiet one that has few words to mutter,

I can also be the one whose screams and curses can be heard thousands of miles away.

I can be the one who treasures the sanctity of life,

I can also be the one who thinks how easily it is to severe the fragile thread that keeps someone alive.

I can be the determined one, that strives hard to achieve,

I also can be the one that gives up easily.

I can be the one that is so simple and easy to decipher,

I can also be the one with a myriad of different personalities.

I can be someone that you might be familiar with,

I can also be a stranger to you.

Who am I really?

Smile, some?

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Listening to this song makes me wonder when was the last time I was truly, really happy.

I want my smile back....

I want myself back....

Perfection?

Perfection...

The strive, the drive, the need to be perfect..

The voices in your head..

Your thoughts being controlled by an invisible force..

The willingness to inflict harm on yourself...

Just for that perfection.

It hurts.

It feeds on the pain.

It grows and becomes an obsession.

Eventually you'll lose yourself.