IT

Do you wanna know how IT feels like?

Its when you watch everyone happily living their lives

While you get drag into darkness

And no, there's no light at the end of the tunnel

Or a sliver of hope

Or anyone to help you

Its just darkness

Black, scary and hopeless

Blinding you

Enveloping you

Just you and you alone

That's how IT feels like.

Who am I?

I can be the happy one, smiling at everyone and everything,

I can also be the one that's hurting terribly inside with no one to turn to.

I can be the one that seems carefree and without issues,

I also can be the one that's dealing with inner turmoil of all sorts.

I can be the one that doesn't give a damn about what I do,

I can also be the one that controls, restricts and punish myself for minor slip ups.

I can be the one that can take everything thrown at me,

I can also be the one that when prodded a bit more, lash out like a thousand demons.

I can be the quiet one that has few words to mutter,

I can also be the one whose screams and curses can be heard thousands of miles away.

I can be the one who treasures the sanctity of life,

I can also be the one who thinks how easily it is to severe the fragile thread that keeps someone alive.

I can be the determined one, that strives hard to achieve,

I also can be the one that gives up easily.

I can be the one that is so simple and easy to decipher,

I can also be the one with a myriad of different personalities.

I can be someone that you might be familiar with,

I can also be a stranger to you.

Who am I really?

Smile, some?

You make me smile like the sun
Fall out of bed, sing like a bird
Dizzy in my head, spin like a record
Crazy on a Sunday night
You make me dance like a fool
Forget how to breathe
Shine like gold, buzz like a bee
Just the thought of you can drive me wild
Ohh, you make me smile

Listening to this song makes me wonder when was the last time I was truly, really happy.

I want my smile back....

I want myself back....

Perfection?

Perfection...

The strive, the drive, the need to be perfect..

The voices in your head..

Your thoughts being controlled by an invisible force..

The willingness to inflict harm on yourself...

Just for that perfection.

It hurts.

It feeds on the pain.

It grows and becomes an obsession.

Eventually you'll lose yourself.

.....

She sat in the corner trying desperately to claw away at the darkness engulfing her. She tried desperately to resist the shadow clouding her thoughts and judgements. She wanted the taunting in her head to stop. She wanted it to stop , she wanted to take control and break free from the swelling darkness. Her hands didn't seem to belong to her anymore. Her brain seemed to be under the clutches of some unseen force.

When it finally did stop, she hated the feeling that overwhelmed her. She hated her actions. She hated herself for losing control. She hated herself.

Going crazy

Blogging just because I feel too frustrated.

The weather here has been scorching hot.

My mood hasn't been any better.

I feel like I'm walking around in a comatose state.

I'm anxious about my trials which is starting 3 days from now.

I'm trying to make myself study.

Am trying to concentrate.

But my eyelids feel heavy.

My brain keeps wandering.

I just wanna get this over with.

Sem 3 done with

Finally sem 3 is over (since 2 weeks ago, this post is rather late =D) and another half year to go before I'll be free from the clutches of shah alam/intec =P. This semester is definitely the most hectic sem ever. Sometimes, I find myself so tensed up and worried about work that I find it hard to breathe and think normally. This was remedied nonetheless by sitting aimlessly in the middle of a pathway at Cemara hostel with Amy staring at the starless sky reminiscing about how life was SO much more easier back in high school. How much more enjoyable and fun form 4/5 life was. How we could play hard and still get things done on time. Somehow.

But then on the other hand, despite how heavy the workload we had, we had one of the most enjoyable times of our lives. Regardless of the fact that we had never-ending tests almost every week, we managed to squeeze in time for planning the best ever surprise birthday celebrations, and my, was that fun. In the midst of all these celebrations, unknowingly, we were all getting closer to each other, strengthening the friendship we had.

One day, standing on the bus heading back to my hostel, a thought suddenly struck me. I no longer hated this place anymore. Nor did I like it. But I've just gotten used to it. I knew I will never (in a million years or so to come) like this place but I've finally felt comfortable here. I finally feel like I actually fit in here. I love the friends I've met here. I love the bond we all share with each other. And that all compensates for the crappy place and rules I have to put up with. And I'm perfectly fine with that.

This semester can be summed up as a roller coaster ride of emotions for me. There were tears of joy, tears of frustration and tears of desperation. And through it all, I was blessed with the greatest of house/roommates, family and friends to pull me through. =) This semester really tested my limits, but it also revealed to me how throughly blessed I was. And I'm grateful for everything. =)

Little girl

Sometimes I wish for a moment there,

Can I be that little girl again,

That stuck to her daddy all the time,

following him on business trips all around.

Or the little girl who was so naive,

that got easily scared of horror stories,

and as the darkness creeps in,

will hold her brother's hand to sleep.

Can I be the little girl,

whose head could only reach up to the tabletop,

eyeing the plate of food on the table,

begging mummy for another piece.

And the girl that lies her head,

upon her sister's lap she rests.

As her sister brushes her hair,

and braids it into a neat little plait.

Sometimes I wonder whether I really could,

turn back time and keep it there,

ban all worries from my head,

and smile like a little girl once again.

So can I be that girl once more,

And cuddle in Your arms and tell You my troubles,

and will you hold me tight,

and reassure me that every thing's gonna be alright?

Mooncake Festival and Qi Ying's Birthday

Love the last group photos and I love you guys. =)

CA Birthday celebration

Us singing to Vitamin C's "Graduation" song with Larry playing the guitar.


The September babies - Esmond, Amy and I =D


Chocolate cake..Bliss~

With Nic darling and CK.

Being random with Amy. =D
Amy, me and my roomie dearest.



The three of us again =)

Yik Chen, Amy and I.. Ex-highians at INTEC. =)

We laughing coz of something funny....Can't really say what it was though.. =P Esmond looks like Lik, doesn't he??? =)

Last group photo with the last remaining piece of cake.